Butt at the table...

I went to this restaurant in the lower east side last night called Boca Chica. We had to wait a long time for the table and their were a lot of people waiting while we ate. Towards the end of the meal there was some woman's butt at our table. I thought that was kind of rude. Why did she have to stand with her back to our table and have her butt grace us with its presence? My friend made like she was going to poke it with her fork and I did that thing where I waved my hand like it just farted and smelled really bad.

It was fun while it lasted.

A Pep Talk

Yesterday was a bad day. We all know it. You dropped the ball, you showed us all a side of yourself that nobody's proud of. OK, put it rest. What's done is done. Today is already different and its showing. You're dressed better for one. And you really seem in command of what's going on. I don't know if it's your confidence or your acceptence of everyone one else but you're really shining today and it can only get better. You've already had a better day than yesterday and today isn't even over. And I can tell you're going to finish strong, mostly because your so much tougher today. You really are.

My Voice is Shot!

I have shot my voice. I don't know what happened. If anybody has any tips about how to get my voice back. Please drop me a line.

I keep checking it to see if its back and it's so low and deep that it's very loud. I talk to myself when i walk down the street and I realize people can hear me. I also didn't realize how much I comment about things under my breath. I can't do that now because people can my low deep gravelly voice talk about them when I think i'm being all sly.

I've been drinking a lot of herbal tea. Excuse me, I have to run to the rest room.

An Open Letter to Superman

Dear Superman,

Thank you for all your gifts this past Christmas. Next Christmas, can I please have a car?

Sincerely,

Jeremiah

Tips for The Women on A Job Interview

If any of you young women are having a job onterview soon, I recommend you follow the advice of the Barnard College Office of Career Development. A little bit of a chunky heel is OK. Please consult this link before making any fashion mistakes while you're furthering your career: http://www.barnard.edu/ocd/dress/home.htm

Here's a quote from the Barnard College Office of Career Development website:

"Do the sit test! When trying on a suit, sit down in the skirt. Be sure the hem is not more than one inch above your knee when sitting. Also, buying a suit that comes with a skirt and pants is an economic way of mixing and matching."

I guess the office will be more than happy to coach students through a sit test.

Some Old Jokes From My Strolling Character Theme Restaurant $11 an Hour Carnie Days

One of my characters at this theme restaurant I worked at was a mad doctor. All the time when I would walk around to the tables people would go, "What's your specialty, Doc?" And I would go, "Blueberry Pie."

Other times the more risque theme restaurant patrons would go "Are you a gynecologist?" And I would respond, "No, I have bad knees." That would bring down the house. I hope my family didn't read that.

Once I saw a friend of mine accidentally dip her elbow into a plate of somebody's ribs then pretend it didn't happen. There's nothing more disgusting then a plate of luke-warm barbecued ribs.

Sometimes, I close my eyes and wonder what it would be like to run around with the old gang.

Does the phrase "luke-warm" come from the Gospel?

Bid on My Ebay Auctions Please!

Currently, I have several items up for bid on Ebay. These items are Atari 2600 video game cartridges. There is no other way to have fun than with Artari 2600 video games. I present you with four--excuse me, FIVE-- opportunities to have the most fun that is humanly possible. Folks, don't pass these up.

REACTOR
Reactor is a game of the ages. You will not be disappointed by this game, unless you are interested in a flight simulator. But flight simulators are for pilots and nerds if you are neither, then buy Reactor--from me, on Ebay!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3069531284&category=3528&rd=1

KABOOM!
Oh my gosh! What an exciting game, there are bombs dropping and a man in a striped shirt! Bid on this game so I can have enough money to buy orthotics.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3069532783&category=3528&rd=1

AMIDAR
Can you handle Amidar? This is not merely a game but a way of life. AMIDAR? Thank you. This game is so glorious that you may cry when you play it because it is so amazing. Please, do not let this slip through your hands. It pains me to see others miss an opportunity for fun.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3069534312&category=3528&rd=1

GI JOE COBRA STRIKE
What better way to support our nation's war on terror than buy playing the Atari 2600 G.I. JOE COBRA STRIKE video game? Be an army of one as you single-handedly defeat Cobra. Join Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Ashcroft in finding new ways to defeat the enemy that is terror by playing this Atari 2600 video game cartridge.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3069527075&category=3528&rd=1

STAR WARS JEDI ARENA
Do you have what it takes to step into the arena, Jedi? I don't think you do. But you don't have to take my word, buy the this Atari 2600 video game cartridge and see for yourself. Perfect your skills to defeat the Sith and other galactic nonsense as you meticulously hone your Jedi skills with help from your Atari 2600 Paddle Controllers. It's like Pong only you have sticks that you swing and the sides of the screen don't move and you are a Jedi! This game will not be sold to the lowly Sith, the nefarious Count Dooku, or the abrupt Darth Sidious. Step into the arena!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3069529769&category=3528&rd=1

What's the deal?

Tell me what the deal is, folks. I could use a bargain.

The Value of Unpaid Vacations

I just got back from a two week unpaid vacation. Unpaid vacations are the only way to go. You really learn to appreciate your paycheck when you're on an extended unpaid vacation. You also relax more because if some financial hardship should occur there's nothing you can do about it because you're unpaid and you won't have any money coming in for quite a while.

Unpaid vacations make me appreciate things such as network televison, my gym membership that I forgot about, credit cards, the natural beauty of my neighborhood, pigeon watching, e-mail, those canned goods underneath my sink, writing thoughts down on paper, pasta, NPR, direct mailings, as well as pure-luck-get-rich-quick devices such as the lotto, scratch tickets and OTB.

Am I glad my unpaid vacation is over? I don't know, but I sure miss that Montel guy talking to me from the TV.

I'm Developing Insomnia

I don't know what's going on but I can't seem to sleep normal hours. I think I'm turning into an insomniac. I used to have this romantic notion of insominiacs, dwellers of the night who could accomplish all these things because they didn't sleep. They could enjoy the world while the others rested.

I guess that isn't the case. All I seemed to be able to do was catch up with Felix and Oscar in old sitcom reruns. When I can't sleep and turn on the TV at three in the morning, I feel like the shows I'm watching were developed to air specifically for insomniacs, because they aren't eterribly funny but they are amusing enough to hold my attention, like how my mind is when I can't sleep, not ready to do any constructive work but is still alert to see what's on television. Sitcoms at three in the morning possess a reality all their own, they usually take place in the day which is contrast to my 3am world and everybody seems so happy as opposed to my 3am blandness. It's really weird.

I finally went to bed around 4, after Felix and Oscar had lost all their gambled earnings on a long-shot at the track.

Temps for Dean

I made this poster. I hope you will all print it out, in color and proudly post it on your cubicles.

http://homepage.mac.com/wallacethebutler/tempsfordean.bmp

I will prepare my endorsement sometime this week. I would like to let Dr Dean and all the other candidates know that I will not accept any vice-presidential offers.

Public Bathrooms in New York City

Please email me with Public Resrooms you have found in the city. Nobody likes to be left hanging.

Downtown

The World Financial Center. They should be located on the ground floor.

The Barnes and Noble on 8th Street, near Astor Place. On the first floor, all the way in the back.

The K-Mart on Astor Place. I think its in the lower level.

The Barnes and Noble at Union Square. There are several restrooms in this one.


Midtown

McDonald's on 42nd St in between 7th and 8th Ave. It's the big, Broadway looking McDonalds. Follow the signs to the restrooms. I think they're on the second floor.

Port Authority, on 8th ave between 40th and 42nd street. The bathrooms are on the lowerlevel where all the bus service is. Sometimes they have a security check to get to the bus level. They have other bathrooms too, but the locations have yet to be determined.

The K-Mart on 34th Street. The bathroom is in the lower level.

Memories

Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Jeremiah, the club website developer. Before we go inside allow me to please direct your attention to the two-way looking glass. Mr Crypt-Keeper-Looking-Fellow, we have some guests.

Oh no the ceiling is falling. I can't die in a theme restaurant, it's too tacky! Ohhhhhhh! Noooo! The ceiling! It sounds like it is falling but it is not moving when I look at it, but nevertheless, it sounds like it is falling!

Hello.

Correction

The correct spelling is equivalent.

Everybody Loves Raymond

The last two episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond that I watched have dealt with sex. I guess everybody does love Raymond.

I didn't realize it was such a dirty show. I'll be watching and taping every episode from now on.

Capeche?

Trash Picking Results

I found nothing, except a case of the sniffles. It was rainy and cold outside. There was a nice salad bowl on the sidewalk, but I figured I'd just have to wash and I have enough dishes to wash at an as of yet unspecified date.

Earlier in the day I spotted a wooden TV tray and one of those big artist clipboards. I thought I could make use of those, but I was heading off to the gym, and I figured I just pick them up on the way back. Of course they were gone when I returned. I felt determined to find some more useful trash to fill the void.

Trash Picking

I am going to walk around my neighborhood and see if anybody has tossed a table or two in the trash. I need some small tables. I'll let you all know what I find. Thoughts?