House Guest Damage Inventory

I had a house guest last week. I didn't know the guy but he seemed nice enough. He was a friend of a friend who's place to stay in the city while he settled his apartment deal fell through.

Here's the damage inventory after he has left:

4 erased messages from my answering machine

1 fake can of beer ruined (see below)

1 dirty bath towel

A pack of matches laying on my floor

My iTunes is broken

A glass with around half-an-inch of diet coke laying in it on my coffee table

I sold my copy of Castaway on Half.com and mailed it away not realizing he left disc one in my DVD player

Boy, Am I A Chump!

Today this sweet little girl was hanging out with another one of the departmental assistants. The girl's mother had a meeting with the other assistant's boss. This sweet little girl asked me if I wanted to buy one of her play-dough sculptures. I said sure since it was only 3 cents. However I only had a dime. I asked her for change but she didn't have any. So, I let her keep it as an investment in sculpting. Then she gomes back like two minutes later with these "drawings." One was some scribbled circles, one was a print-out from the Mattel website and the other was some beauty tips printed out from the internet. The circles were a penny, the Mattel one was three cents again, and the beauty tips were a whole dollar. The beauty tips looked pretty good but I thought some of the other assistants could use it better than me. I again dropped a dime on the three cent item. The sweet little girl had no change.

Then I thought about it, this sweet little girl just sold me a print out from a website. Is this legal? She's selling clip art pictures as her own! Boy, am I a chump! I hope she uses that 20 cents I plopped down on her to take a class in business ethics.

Worst Departmental Assistant Meeting Ever

Man, I just got out of this long boring meeting. Basically we just had a meme read aloud to us. And there ere bagels and sliced fruit. It was very similar to story time in kindergarten without the chocolate milk.

I think my boss was wearing a Star Trek uniform. Her top looked like one of those old school Wrath-of-Khan outfits they wore. I expected to be beamed up after the meeting was done. I was so sleepy it was like she set her memo to stun. I need another Star Trek crack to complete the series but I'm coming up dry.

AT this meeting everyone got a name tage except me because I'm a temp. So my boss felt embarassed so she took a name badge and wrote my name in pen on the back. Then I had to clip it to my sweater but it clipped on all weird because I had to clip it on backwards. Like I've been telling my parents for years, no matter how hard I try, I'm still different than everybody else.

Oopsies

I was leaving a store yesterday and a dollar bill blew out of a man's hand. He didn't notice it. So I picked it up and kept it.

Tight Shirt

I bought this shirt at H&M last week. I had my new headshots taken on Sunday with my friend Stacy. Any I went shopping for some new clothes to wear for it and I bought these two shirts. Both shirts were mediums, but only one of them fits me, but the one I can wear it just pulls at the buttons a little bit. (Is that style?)

Anyway, if I relax my shoulders the shirt fits well enough so I can wear it. The photographer hated it I think he asked me if I would actually wear it. But he was a good photographer. So I didn't wear it on Sunday. So, I figured I'd wear it yesterday to work and my comedy sketch writing class. Well, it was too small for me, it tugged at my shoulders and there were little ruffles around the buttons. I kind of ignored it all day but by the time I got to sketch class I realized, "I look like a tool with this tight shirt on that ruffles around the buttons." I couldn't stop thinking about how dumb I looked, wearing this new shirt that was too small for me. I looked like the biggest idiot.

But they're both mediums! Come on!

I don't know what to do with the shirt now. Maybe if I don't wear a t-shirt udnerneath it'll fit OK. Was that too gross?

Fake Beer Can Ruined

I had this friend of a friend crash at my place for a few days. I didn't know him, but my friend who did was caught in a bind and I offered to have him stay in my place. He was cool, I didn't mind being a little hospitable. I've crashed at other people's places before. Well, he and his future roommate had to hang out at my place yesterday and wait for their new landlord to call them to let them into their place.

I have this fake can of "Schlitz Malt Liquor" in my fridge someone gave it to me as a birthday gift. The top unscrews and you can put pearls or rare coins or whatever in it. I thought it was pretty cool and it made me feel like a spy. I keep it my fridge. It feels like a real can and everything.

When I got home last night, the tab of the fake can had been pulled up a little bit. One of the dudes tried to drink my fake beer! The can can't open, if you pull the tab up it just bends. One of the dudes tried to drink my fake beer! There's only one can in my fridge. Were they going to split it? The bodega two doors down sells plenty of real beer. Were they actually going to drink a beer from my fridge after I let them crash in my place? Was that the deal? How desperate is that, trying to drink a fake beer?!! Now the tab is bent and it is ruined. It totally looks like a fake can of beer. I can't hide pearls, rare coins, or anything.

I'm tired of being nice. Some guy at Burger King asked me if I was going to finish my fries and I said yes.

That still gets me. If you are staying at someone's place that you don't really know that well and there's one beer in the fridge and he's not there. Do you take it? Do you spend five minutes trying to open it, give up, then put it back in the fridge?

They ruined my fake can of beer! I don't care about having a stranger crash with me for a week, having the phone ring at odd hours, lending out my scarf--I don't mind that stuff at all--but my fake friggin' can of beer was cool!

Man...