New Year's Resolutions

1. Eat More Carbs.

2. Become one of those guys that people think "Is this another one of Jeremiah's crazy ideas?" whenever I try to pull something.

3. Open up the Herbal Tea equivilent for Starbucks.

4. Erase all the songs I don't listen to on iTunes.

5. Clean my apartment.

6. Defeat the mouse.

7. Defeat my greatest critic, myself!

8. Eat the food I buy at the supermarket instead of just using it to decorate and later, infest my fridge.

9. Save $40 a week.

10. Floss everyday and be good at it.

11. Get rid of that smell.

12. Have a less warm apartment. It's like a sauna in here. Seriously, folks, I'm dying in here. But it's Manhattan.

13. Dine at more theme restaurants. Theme restaurants that are in midtown.

14. Be more vague when talking about theme restaurants. Theme restaurants in midtown. Theme restaurants in midtown that have strolling character actors that wear tuxedo shirts.

15. Take my multi-vitamins.

16. Make every day, movie day.

17. Spend as much time on my career that I spend on my website.

The Shy Lonely Pigeon

The shy, lonely pigeon lives outside my apartment
He is old and his feathers are mostly white
I imagine he has pink feet,
That get cold as he scrapes them along the pavement outside my apartment

He walks in circles
Always turning away from whatever faces him
He eats when nobody sees him and sleeps where no one looks
And when he sees an empty patch of sky
He gets up and flies looking at where the people are
Wish he could be with them, but being too afraid

When I wave at him through my window he runs away
Shy and Lonely, is the Pigeon
He will never make friends
But will always miss them

The More You Know

I made eye contact with the mouse this morning. He or she or it wanted a look at me as much as I wanted a look at it. It looked very destitute and poor. Ragged. I now understand that this struggle that the mouse and I have engaged in is in fact an inter-species class war. It is the classic case of the poor basement mouse versus the lower-middle class starving actor. While we are both victims of an oligarchical market which once was called capitalism (now replaced with a few monopolies and alliances between the super-rich), we both fight for the same piece of Manhattan real estate. My apartment.

Well, mouse, I wish we could unite and fight the larger fight of anti-trust laws, an equal-playing-field-marketplace, and convincing the public that our incilinations towards the purchasing of cheaply made goods and foods is destroying us economically as well as taking a piece out of our physical health and environment, but you choose to fight me, Jeremiah. You choose to poop all over my apartment. Well, mouse, this ain't Disneyland, and Micheal Eisner isn't here to protect you. You think you're cool. You think you know the game. But I own the game, Mouse. I've bought and old the game on Ebay and taught others how to play. There's no turning back now, mouse. We could have worked together to reverse the Reagan-W-Bush "corporate socialism," but you choose to dance, mouse. Well, dance we shall. DJ, put on something with a fast beat, because this is going to be fierce.

Howard Dean for president!

The Learning Annex

Here are some proposed courses for the Learning Annex.

1. How to borrow things.
Learn how to spot things that you want, but don't wish to purchase. please bring a list of things your friends own.

2. How to hide a fart.
This course will be taught by a former marine. It covers all techniques: the sideways tilt, the simultaneous sneeze, the courtesey flush, the poker face, and various forms of shifting the blame.

3. The rules to picking your nose in public.
many of us are not familair with these rules. If you play the game right you can do no wrong.

4. How to blame others.
A priceless skill which comes in handy at work and at home.

5. Scrap paper.
Just what is the deal with little pieces of paper that nobody uses. Learn how one man made a million dollars from scrap paper.

6. How to treat "folks."
Folks are a different kind of people. They are very folksy and demand a certain kind of attention. Learn more about these great national treasures.

7. How to find your favorite radio station.
Many of us overspin the knob when looking for our favorite station. learn how to stop.

8. How to communicate with Dead Aliens.
This course is not recommended for devout Methodists.

9. How to read and sing hymns.
Hymns are religious songs sung during a religious service. Hymns usually are difficult to read. What verses go in which order? Come to this course and find out.

10. How to select the perfect chachki for a gift.
There comes a point in an adult's life where the only gift to give is a chachki. make sure you do it right.

11. Polite things you can say to someone to tell them that you don't like them.
Most of us have people we despise but common manners stops us from telling them so.

12. How to make the most of waiting in line to use the bathroom.
Includes tips on how to make friends with members of the same sex.

Wheel of Fortune Update!

On Wheel of Fortune, the puzzle was "Sophia and Francis Ford Coppola" and the woman mispronounced "Coppola." So, the next person got the puzzle. It was very embarassing because all the letters were in the puzzle so all the woman had to was read it and she couldn't do that right.

DISCLAIMER: I do not make a habit of doing gameshows but I have a load of laundry in the washer and have to spend my time doing something. I don't want to hear any lip.

Apology

In a previous post I misspelled Brian Lehrer. The correct spelling is Brian Lehrer. And I still consider myself the original Brian Lehrer back-up dancer.

NPR is a beautiful thing and I want the world to know what a beautiful thing it is through dance.

I won't rest until the day is done.

Please accept my apology, Brian Lehrer. Your show has helped me take my time getting ready for the day for the past four years.

What in the Sam Hill?!!??

Doing some routine maintenance of my apartment I found mouse poops stuck to the wall around a foot and a half off the ground. Who are these mice? What are they capable of? Why can't I just be a normal kid?

Terrorism and New Year's

The people who do a lot of the talking in this country are really getting me scared about tonight. But I don't think anything will happen. Not in Times Square at least. I think the terrorists will take one look at the crowds and go home and blow up their televisions instead.

(The joke is: People go to Times Square to see the ball drop but see the crowds that start up around 4 in the afternoon and go home and watch it on TV. Get it?)

In New York, they have snipers positioned at the tops of buildings, fighter jets patrolling, and increased police presence... and that's just to make sure nobody smokes in a restaraunt or bar.

I know nothing will happen in Times Sqaure tonight because Dick Clark will be there. And that man will never die.

Grievance

I don't like it when people say "excuse me" in order to cut in front of me in line.

Brian Leher

I like to consider myself one of the original Brian Leher Back Up Dancers. At 10 o'clock in the morning I always reach for the radio, turn up NPR real loud, and jam out to to the Brian Leher Show music.

His tone of voice is very comforting.

Welcome Home

The cab dropped me off in front of my building. I slammed by bags around the building hallway. I busted threw my door, realizing I forgot to replace the hallway light a week ago before I left, I dropped my bags. It was 5 in the evening. I had been up early and eaten around two bags of single serving pretzels and a freeze-dried granola bar plus one and a half cans of Coke. I was starving. I opened my fridge and a breeze of warm swampy air greeted my face. I guess the seal on the fridge had slackened over the week and my fridge was warm enough to hatch chickens. Everything in it was plump and juicy and wet. The tray below the freezer caught all the defrosted ice. I took it out and spilled the moldy water all over my 2 by 4 kitchen.

I hate my refridgerator.

I Just Got Back from New Mexico

I flew back from the "Land of Enchantment" yesterday. If New Mexico is the Land of Enchantment, then New York City is the Land of Expenses. It cost me $4 to drive across the Triboro bridge. And I didn't even get my money's worth. It's the ugliest bridge I've ever seen.

Old Scraps

At the beginning of December I attempted to gather my complaints using an application for my Mac called iBlog. It created a beautiful looking blog, only something happen and it didn't work how I wanted it to, so I scrapped it. Here are some collected memories from that blog, complaints from the last 30 days...


***

I don't know what did it, but something I ate two days ago is still gracing me with its presence, if you know what I mean.

You know what, it's the soymilk. I've been chugging it whenever I open the fridge.

It's 2 am. I need to go to bed. I have a big day tomorrow. I'm going on my first date tomorrow night. I'm just kidding. I had my first date when I was 12. If you call 22 years old, 12.

***

Here's some facts about me, which will accentuate just how awesome I am:

1) I broke my jaw at the age of 5 from a cycling accident. HOW COOL IS THAT, PEOPLE. I BROKE A BONE IN MY HEAD AND LIVED. I don't have any scars from it but my ears are a little mismatched.

2) I won the Junior Essay Contest in High School. Thank you very much for your praise.

3) I'm a confirmed Episcopalian. In case you haven't noticed how many U.S. Presidents are Episcopalian-- WE RULE THE ENTIRE WORLD.

4) My favorite subway train is the A when it goes local. Do you know how dangerous that train is? But I'm so cool, I can handle it. I'm as cool as a cucumber, folks.

5) I can tell what season it is by measuring the pressure in my sinus cavity.

6) I can lighten up any conversation with my smile, my bright eyes, and my panache.

***

I was on the train last night, the C train. I was sitting next to an old lady. I broke wind and she got up and moved to the other end of the train. There weren't even any seats, she had to stand.

It wasn't even a noisy one. I think I just shifted in my seat a little. It must have been a stinker.

I've been eating a lot of marshmallows lately.

***

When I worked in a theme restaurant they made this rule where the actors couldn't leave through the customer exit, they had to leave through the employee entrance. I broke this rule all the time.

When someone calls me at work and I don't want to talk to them, I just stare at the phone and watch it ring.

I worked in a theme restaurant for three years as a character actor. I have put that life behind me. I have learned a great many things from that life such as when and where to publicize my website.

***

Manhattan was very nice today. Everyone was well behaved.

Even people who work at theme restaurants. Theme restaurants in midtown.

I saw a midtown theme restaurant of which I may have been employed for three years in the movie "Elf." Through the windows you could see someone reading my website as well as actors being written up for riding the elevator.

***

I was so bored I almost read a manual on how to use Mathematica.

***

Dick Cheney's breath is so bad when he's sitting at the table you don't have to have pepper your food, you just put your plate of spiceless food in front of his face, ask him to breath, and you'll get more spices than Tijuana and Thailand combined.

Dick Cheney's breath is so bad, he eats peppered garlic cloves as breath mints.

Dick Cheney's breath is so bad, everytime he opens his mouth other people say, "excuse me." It's true.

Dick Cheney's breath is so bad, it effects the weather.

Dick Cheney's breath is so bad, whenever he laughs everybody else cries. Tears of pain

***

I like running around the reservoir in Central Park. Sometimes I race people and say mean things about them inside my head to motivate me to be better than them. I wonder if they think mean things about me? I would hope that they would keep some things off-limits such as my sci-fi paperback library, the "sounds" I make when I run--it's a very personal sport in which I expose my weakness audibly, and my mother, she's two miracles short of being a saint.

***

I had a crush on this girl at my bus stop when I was 6. She was a little older, maybe 6 and a half or seven. You know, real sophisticated. I thought she was very pretty and well spoken. My knees would shake when I stood by her waiting for the bus. I remember wanting to go to the bus stop just to see her. She took a plane trip one time and talked to me and the other kids about how she saw the other kids houses as her plane flew over. I asked her if she saw me when the plane flew over. I think she said yes. I can't remember. That was my big move at the age of 6.

Aw, Naw

Man, I'm about to throw this whole blog thing out the window. This whole mess has gotten me nothing but trouble. I was using iBlog to make my blog but then it got all messed up so I'm going to use this free blogger.com stuff.