The Nerds Are In Today

It's Friday. Come on. Don't meet for a class in my office. Aw man, this is going to be a rough hour.

Come on, guys.

They're talking about classroom protocol and the professor isn't even here yet.

"If someone comes in asking for the Nietzsche reading can you point them next door?"

No kid, If someone comes in asking for the Nietzsche reading I will not point them next door.

I don't know where your professor is, I'm too busy approving testimonials on my Friendster profile--I'm a cool nerd. I read Friendster, not philosophical thought.

I think one of the nerds is in charge of the other nerds, this nerd will wear blue and direct the other nerds in a reading of Nietzsche.

"Excuse me, can you tell me where the Nietzsche reading is?"

You see that room full of dudes that look just like you? Right there, fella.

Say Hello to The President

Would you like the President to know your views on stem cell research, the economy, how he runs things?

Comments: 202-456-1111
Switchboard: 202-456-1414
FAX: 202-456-2461

For more information: http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/

Worst Bus Ride Ever

The bus this morning would actually stop at stops where nobody had to get off and nobody had to wait. I've never seen such behavior in my 9 years as a New Yorker. That's right I've lived in New York for 9 years folks. "Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Queens."

In that song where people say they'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony, the exact song that all the world's people would sing is never specified. I think the world should do a cover of that Collective Soul number about breathing. "Breath a little love and love starts breathing."

HARLACHER HOUSE

I understand that Harlacher House will be a new web experience consisting of 7 rooms of Harlacher. Room 1, the parlor, will be reserved personal dueling. Room 2, the drawing room, will contain headshots and resumes--as well as a new web experience which let's you take your own headshot from the comfort of your PC. Room 3 will be subtitled "The Director's Chair" where you--through the miracle of FLASH--will be able to direct Harlacher through a brief 7 minute motion picture. Room 4, the game room, will contain various methods to cheat at cards and as well as secret codes to access various mainframes. Room 5, the bedroom will bring you into the dreams of Harlacher. Room 6, the kitchen, you will be able to order various meals prepared by Harlacher himself including the monster burger, Colonel Latrine's Caesar Salad, and Malachi's toast. Room 7, the coat room, will be where you pick the outfits that Harlacher wears, this room also contains an applet entitled "Write your own subpoenas" which will allow you to do just that. After exiting the house, you will be permitted into the Backyard, Frontyard, Company cemetery, and Garage. All of which have yet to be defined. Harlacher House!

People Who Say They Don't Watch a Lot of Television

I never trust these people because they will state many times over that they do not watch a lot of television then the conversation will always turn to the various TV programs which are on the TV these days and the person who says they never watch television will always squeal "I LOVE THE SIMPSONS!" And then he or she will carry on like they can still get away with saying they don't watch a lot of television.

Nothing Good Happens on Thursdays

I just sharpened a pencil. Using a pencil sharpener. I haven't done that in ten years.

I have put out several mouse traps, the mouse has eaten the bait off of the trap without triggering the spring. This mouse can crawl on walls and dodge death. I do not know how to stop him. But mark my words, I will find a way. Even if it means doing my dishes. It's called karma, mouse, and its coming right back at you.

I need a shave, I look like Abraham Lincoln over here. If Abraham Lincoln were a temp. A temp who wore the same pants every day.

I believe songs give us rules. I have never gone chasing a waterfall.

Questions

1. When's Harlacher House opening?

2. Oatmeal raisin cookies, who started pretending these things were better than chocolate chip cookies?

3. If if's and butt's were candy and nuts, would we all have a merry Christmas?

4. When you throw out pencil shavings do they go to Pencil-Shaving-Heaven?

5. John Kerry?

6. Why do people chew gum after the flavor goes away? Does chewing release endorphins?

7. If television weren't around, who would be president right now?

8. Is the Patriot Act a retooled version of the Sedition Acts passed by President Adams?

9. Those flavored ices, when you suck the flavor out, what do you do with the ice?

10. Does Al Sharpton really believe that those twenty-five cent juices are put out to sterilize poor people?

11. Has the War on Iraq distracted us from more immediate questions such as WHAT THE HELL KILLED ALL THOSE DINOSAURS?

12. If I was a baby and needed to learn to walk, if I were a fish would I need to learn to swim?

Hide and Go Seek

I was on the bus yesterday and I accidentally broke wind. It was quiet but let loose quite the spice. The guy sitting in the seat in front of me ran to the other side of the bus like a monster was chasing him. He then cast a vigilant look over my side of the bus for the rest of the trip. I kept scanning around the bus to make it look like I was searching for the culprit as well.

You may feel this story is foul and childish. However, it is a demonstration of the strategy used in many of today's political campaigns.