Jeremiah's Complaints

This blog tracks my problems with the way the universe is run.

Friday, March 26, 2004

If only!

If I were on American Idol, I'd wear my plastic fake leather jacket with the colar upturned. I would also point at the audience a lot. I would be like "Purple Rain, Purple Rain!" Point. Point. Then during the parts of the song where it was just music and no singing. I would look up as if I was thanking a higher power/couldn't believe I was where I was. Then when the singing would begin again my voice would be all raspy and musical.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

The Party Date

The Party Date has always scared, puzzled, and broken me. At least in the early stages of dating someone and they ask me to hang out with their friends in a party atmosphere I think my wires get crossed. Am I on a date or am I at a party? This situation rears its head in many different forms and my social intelligence gets fried in the process, do I pay attention to the date or do I make new friends and if I do will my date make new friends and then make a new date. This situation always happens with my date's friends. I don't think I've ever been invited by a date to a party where some of my friends are already there. I don't know if that would make any sense. What if I meet someone at the party more interesting than my date? Are there any kind of expectations when you get invited to a party and the person asks you to go with them as a date? If I meet a girl and we haven't gone on a date and she invites me to a party is that a date? Thoughts?

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Sunday Evening

I just tried to meditate. I couldn't tell if I was taking nap or not.

The mouse situation. All right. I have a sonic repellent thing that keeps the mouse off my sink and the top of my stove. However it doesn't keep it off the rest of the apartment. One's dead, via the snappy trap supplied to me by Atomic Girl. I hope there is only one left. He runs away from the stove as fast as he can and scrambles around the sides of my apartment. I think I'm going to have to set another snappy trap for him. Unless of course he is the ghost of the dead mouse, of which I wouldn't be surprised. The things can poop on the top of my fridge, I wouldn't doubt if they could ressurect themselves.

Toys

Hans Blix's Weapons of Mass Destruction Detector with Blinking Lights (batteries not included)

John Kerry Playset (includes Ted Kennedy and various campaigning members of the Kerry family)

George W Bush Steal the Presidency Adventure Game
Defeat the evil Al Gore while you discriminate Floridian voters, reassemble the Constitution, and learn to insert pauses in your speech to create a dramatic effect.

Law & Order Bingo
Line up all the elements from the Law & Order universe as you see them during the course of the week. Jerry Orbach cologne included.

Do it yourself Reality TV Kit
Includes video camera, bottles of alcohol, condoms, a list of inciting statements, permission to be rude, and a $2000 an episode stipend.

The People Who Live Next To Me Sound Effects CD
Listen to 8 different types of laughter as it would sound thinly muted by a wall.

Continued from March 16th

I angled the envelope against my back and the wind slowly pushed me down until my feet met the soft beach of the island. I folded the envelope and put it under my arm. Then I wondered with the envelope bent would I be able to use it to fly again. Would I be able to get home? I walked along the shore of the island watching the tide roll in and deposit various office supplies on the: binder clips, those "W" looking clasps, discarded keyboards, "While you were out" pads... With each wave a small spattering of supplies would remain. I eventually came across a canoe. This was the weirdest canoe I had ever seen. It was made out of paperclips and rubber bands. It was abandonned. Right next to it was a paddle made out of plastic spoons and coffee stirs. A few foot prints showed me the pilot of the canoe had gone into the island, into the trees.

I decided it was probably for the best that I follow the tracks of whomever rode the paperclip canoe. I didn't know where I was and I wasn't sure if I could get back to my desk and besides that I didn't mind the time out of the office. There was a forest of palm trees. I couldn't see foot prints any more but I followed my gut further in. I was getting thirsty for a Snapple or something but couldn't find any vending machines so I kept walking into the forest in hopes of fidning some sort of civilization.

The trees became thinner and there was a clearing with huts and people. Just then I realized I had left my cellphone in my coat pocket back at the office. I was curious to see if I had gotten any messages. I have this manager who sends me on auditions sometimes and always likes me to return the calls promptly. Oh well.

I decided to see who these people on the island were. Everyone was dressed office casual. I saw a woman wearing a nice turtleneck. There was a guy wearing some pleated khakis. He had a potbelly and glasses. I kept walking. I saw a pretty woman wearing expensive boots. I decided to talk to her. If the pretty ones get all the attention its probably because their pretty and if the pretty ones get a lot of attention they probably know what's going on.

Her name was Linda. She was an admin at a large financial corporation with offices in both Jersey City and Midtown Manhattan. She worked in the Jersey City office but lived on the Lower East Side. Once we got past the obligatory identifying each other from where we lived conversation, I asked her where I was. She said when she first got here she wondered the same thing but then she just enjoyed being away from the office and then she said after that she enjoyed being away from the city. "You can always find a seat on the subway here," she said.

"There's a subway here?" I asked.

"Yes, this isn't LA," she replied.

I then asked her again what this island was. She told me that its basically a place where office workers seem to find themselves. "I was tired of sitting at my desk all day and not having the energy to pursue anything else. I originally moved to the city to be an actor, but all I can seem to score are showcases that I have to beg my friends to see. That coupled with my boredom during the seven hours a day at my desk, just kind of defeated me. I built myself into a routine that I couldn't get out of until I came here."

"So, everyone here is defeated?" I asked.

"No," Linda said. "We're just on an island."

"Do you dream anymore?"

"About being an actress or a writer or a celebrity? Yes, but for right now, I like relaxing on this island. It's relaxing. I think you'll be happy to know that there are no mice here."

"It seems to me like this a graveyard for dreams." I said.

"Graveyard? No, this isn't a graveyard. What do you call your day job?"

"My day job."

"But it consumes most of your time. Isn't that like a graveyard?"

I remembered I still had my envelope with me. "Linda," I said, "this all seems very sad. All these people have given up on their dream."

"All these people," Linda said, "have escaped their monotony."

"So, what do you do here?" I asked.

"Well, first, I have to show you something. Follow me a little further into the island," She said. I folded the envelope again and tucked it into my back pocket.

Help!

Please nominate me for the Emerging Comics of New York (ECNY) as either best webiste, best short film, or best comedy writer. The nomination forms are here http://www.baldalienpimp.com/ECNY/nomination_form.php