Things to do when you're bored at work and don't feel like doing anything productive either related to your job or other ambitions

Plan a dream vacation to Orlando Florida (I hear the attractions are amazing!).

Take a newspaper into the bathroom and kickback.

Go to the vending machine and debate with others what you should get. Smartfood versus Reese's Fastbreak Bar.

Play elevator attendent. "What floor, sir? Oy, what a day, huh?"

Tell the person who makes coffee in your office that they don't do it right. "I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but the coffee needs some more effort put into it."

Call the mailroom and tell them they have recieved a package and that they need to come pick it up. It requires a signature.

Donate to a politician over your non-profit company's internet connection.

Surf the web. There's so much to look at!

Plan the ultimate office party.

Develop and foster non-sensical crushes, then email your friends and tell them how you don't understand your feelings.

Memorize a couple dance steps. Just a couple.

Have a talk with your company's legal counsel about your political activism and how you use the company name frequently during newspaper interviews and your fringe political group's website.

Talk about NBC's Thursday night line-up with a friend.

Reasons for being late to work

I got here and realized I forgot my keys and had to go all the way back home.

My damn cat was acting up again so we had to have a chat.

The Mercedes is in the shop (again!).

The Milk Man was supposed to deliver at 6am, didn't show up until 9am. Needless to say I'm homogenizing my own milk. You want in on some?

I figured if you got here first, you could set everything up and I wouldn't have to go around messing everything up. I really feel guilty when I do that. But I can already tell that's not going to happen today because you've done all the work. Thanks, Champ-O!

My sister made me braid her hair. I will not turn my back on my family.

Today is my religion's holiday. What is my religion? Did you just ask me what my religion is? There are laws in this country which say I am free to believe in whatever I choose! Thank you, very much!

Sorry, I had a date last night. It went crazy late.

Adult Board Games

Approach/Avoidance
A careful game of social strategy. Each player seeks another player using compliments, distancing, and an abandonment of decision making. The board game comes with batteries and unnecessary stress.

My Job Sucks!
The goal of this game is to convince all the other players how much worse your job is than their job while not compromising your wit and/or love of sarcasm. Don't fall into the depression pit! Watch out for the safety treadmill! Oh no, someone stole your dreams!

Who Wants to Tell The Truth?
A fun game to get to know people? The goal of this game is to have a group conversation (three or more people) without anyone exagerating or fabricating stories. If you are caught in a tall tale, move back two spaces. Not recommended for the devoutly religious.

Find the Metrocard
Each person is given a purse, backpack, backpocket, and old coat in which they must find a metrocard before the minute glass empties and the train leaves the station.

Smoke in My Window

The other night I fell asleep on my couch at 7 pm to the adorable contestants on Jeopardy! telling us about their hobbies and woke up at 10 pm to the hard drama of NYPD Blue. I went into the bathroom and smelled something strange, Burning rubber? Poison gas? A Mismanaged Boiler? I assumed it was the boiler and went about my business. I could smell the smell coming from the window. There's some sort of exhaust system for the boiler not far from me. A friend of mine telephoned me, whom I shall call Atomic Girl, and as I was talking to her a whisp os smoke crawled into my apartment through the window. It was dark and fell to the floor then disappeared. I told Atomic Girl. I wanted to ignore it as a fluke. Atomic Girl insisted I call my super. I hung up and got my act together to go into the lobby and look for the super's phone number. But as I was doing so there was no more smell and no more smoke. Perhaps whatever had been causing the smell had burned off? My phone rang again it was my friend whom I shall call, Red Magic. I chatted with Red Magic a puff of white smoke crawled into my apartment. I decided it was time to call the super. I got my cell phone and went outside to get the number that's posted in another building. As I went outside a woman was on the sidewalk screaming up at another woman on the third floor. She had one eye and was screaming about a smell. I told her I smelled something in my apartment too. "My apartment smells like dead rats!" She said. I mentioned that I had seen some smoke. She started screaming at the woman on the third floor to call 911. I didn't want to call 911. I suggested maybe we should try the super. I noticed the super's workshop door was open. We both went down. The lights were on. My new friend yelled "Hello!" around six or seven times. Nobody answered. There was smoke. "I've had a couple beers but you see smoke don't you?" she said.

We then went to the super's apartment and talked to his wife through a metal cage door. The woman complained about the smell of dead rats and smoke. The wife insisted they were presently working on the boiler. End of story.

As we walked back to our apartments in the building. She told me her name and I told her I was Jeremiah. Then the woman with one eye and a couple beers in her said to me, "You a handsome man."

In other news, I haven't heard as much from the mice since the smell and the smoke. I did notice that at some point the mice had gotten into a bag of flour. Hopefully their days are numbered.

Continued from March 28

The pterodactyl man let out a scream. Then he stuck his large beak in the ground and crunched down a couple candy bars, in the wrapper.

"Excuse me," Linda finally said, "we're trying to get by."

The pterodactyl Man looked at her and let loose another shrill cry.

"Don't scream at me, we're both adults. Just because your angry at yourself doesn't mean you have to give me a rough time."

"I'm sorry," the pterodactyl Man said. He widened his big wings and flew up past the trees.

Linda looked at me and rolled her eyes, "Get used to it."

"I don't understand what just happened." I said as we continued through the forest, stepping on candy bars.

"Every place has them."

"What's that?"

"The pterodactyl Men."

"Are there any pterodactyl Women."

"Yes. They usually wear ugly blouses."

We walked for a while, occasionally hearing screaming and rustling above from the trees. I wasn't afraid because Linda seemed like she could handle them. Linda could handle any kind of trouble.

"Linda," I said, "Thank you so much for taking me through the forest like this. I have to ask you, why are you bothering with me?"

"I feel a connection with you because I feel we're both unhappy about the same things, but for me the island has given me a respite from the unhappiness. I want to make sure you know about this island."

"I'm just curious. I still want to go back. I don't want to give up on what I'm after. I hate my current routine, but I don't want my hatred to be another hurdle in what I'm going after."

"To be an actor?"

"An actor and writer."

"Then why are you following me?"

"I'm curious."

"You know," Linda said, "I haven't given up my dreams and it's not very nice for you to say so about me."

"Then why are you here?"

"Because it's nice and where I was before wasn't nice."

"It is nice here," I said. "Thanks for showing me around."

"We still have a little ways to the center. Let's stop here."

We were at a small watering hole surrounded by trees. Linda got some water and and I did too. Then we both fell asleep under a tree. I ate a candy bar before sleeping. The sun was relaxing under the trees. As I finished the candy bar and shut my eyes I felt like I was about to get some good rest. I heard talking in the forest before I fell asleep, but ignored it. I wish I hadn't.

When I woke up Linda was gone.