Holiday Party Tips

1. Appear popular. Arrive early, when someone you know shows up, collapse your neck and let out an "Oh thank god, I thought I'd be the only one here. I can't believe you're wearing that." Tnen monopolize the person's social space. Goal: Always have someone to talk to, appear popular. Drawbacks: People will write emails about you on Monday.

2. Location. Have a party far away from everyone else then repeatedly mention how its not as far as people think it is. This is primarily for parties in Brooklyn. Goal: Convince people that Brooklyn is accessible. Drawbacks: People may have to travel up to 90 minutes to get to your party. The ride home will be feature hardships only encountered in early American literature.

3. Candy canes. Bring a fistful of candy canes then demand people have one. Goals: None. Drawbacks: Cavities, sticky hands.