Old Scraps
At the beginning of December I attempted to gather my complaints using an application for my Mac called iBlog. It created a beautiful looking blog, only something happen and it didn't work how I wanted it to, so I scrapped it. Here are some collected memories from that blog, complaints from the last 30 days...
***
I don't know what did it, but something I ate two days ago is still gracing me with its presence, if you know what I mean.
You know what, it's the soymilk. I've been chugging it whenever I open the fridge.
It's 2 am. I need to go to bed. I have a big day tomorrow. I'm going on my first date tomorrow night. I'm just kidding. I had my first date when I was 12. If you call 22 years old, 12.
***
Here's some facts about me, which will accentuate just how awesome I am:
1) I broke my jaw at the age of 5 from a cycling accident. HOW COOL IS THAT, PEOPLE. I BROKE A BONE IN MY HEAD AND LIVED. I don't have any scars from it but my ears are a little mismatched.
2) I won the Junior Essay Contest in High School. Thank you very much for your praise.
3) I'm a confirmed Episcopalian. In case you haven't noticed how many U.S. Presidents are Episcopalian-- WE RULE THE ENTIRE WORLD.
4) My favorite subway train is the A when it goes local. Do you know how dangerous that train is? But I'm so cool, I can handle it. I'm as cool as a cucumber, folks.
5) I can tell what season it is by measuring the pressure in my sinus cavity.
6) I can lighten up any conversation with my smile, my bright eyes, and my panache.
***
I was on the train last night, the C train. I was sitting next to an old lady. I broke wind and she got up and moved to the other end of the train. There weren't even any seats, she had to stand.
It wasn't even a noisy one. I think I just shifted in my seat a little. It must have been a stinker.
I've been eating a lot of marshmallows lately.
***
When I worked in a theme restaurant they made this rule where the actors couldn't leave through the customer exit, they had to leave through the employee entrance. I broke this rule all the time.
When someone calls me at work and I don't want to talk to them, I just stare at the phone and watch it ring.
I worked in a theme restaurant for three years as a character actor. I have put that life behind me. I have learned a great many things from that life such as when and where to publicize my website.
***
Manhattan was very nice today. Everyone was well behaved.
Even people who work at theme restaurants. Theme restaurants in midtown.
I saw a midtown theme restaurant of which I may have been employed for three years in the movie "Elf." Through the windows you could see someone reading my website as well as actors being written up for riding the elevator.
***
I was so bored I almost read a manual on how to use Mathematica.
***
Dick Cheney's breath is so bad when he's sitting at the table you don't have to have pepper your food, you just put your plate of spiceless food in front of his face, ask him to breath, and you'll get more spices than Tijuana and Thailand combined.
Dick Cheney's breath is so bad, he eats peppered garlic cloves as breath mints.
Dick Cheney's breath is so bad, everytime he opens his mouth other people say, "excuse me." It's true.
Dick Cheney's breath is so bad, it effects the weather.
Dick Cheney's breath is so bad, whenever he laughs everybody else cries. Tears of pain
***
I like running around the reservoir in Central Park. Sometimes I race people and say mean things about them inside my head to motivate me to be better than them. I wonder if they think mean things about me? I would hope that they would keep some things off-limits such as my sci-fi paperback library, the "sounds" I make when I run--it's a very personal sport in which I expose my weakness audibly, and my mother, she's two miracles short of being a saint.
***
I had a crush on this girl at my bus stop when I was 6. She was a little older, maybe 6 and a half or seven. You know, real sophisticated. I thought she was very pretty and well spoken. My knees would shake when I stood by her waiting for the bus. I remember wanting to go to the bus stop just to see her. She took a plane trip one time and talked to me and the other kids about how she saw the other kids houses as her plane flew over. I asked her if she saw me when the plane flew over. I think she said yes. I can't remember. That was my big move at the age of 6.
***
I don't know what did it, but something I ate two days ago is still gracing me with its presence, if you know what I mean.
You know what, it's the soymilk. I've been chugging it whenever I open the fridge.
It's 2 am. I need to go to bed. I have a big day tomorrow. I'm going on my first date tomorrow night. I'm just kidding. I had my first date when I was 12. If you call 22 years old, 12.
***
Here's some facts about me, which will accentuate just how awesome I am:
1) I broke my jaw at the age of 5 from a cycling accident. HOW COOL IS THAT, PEOPLE. I BROKE A BONE IN MY HEAD AND LIVED. I don't have any scars from it but my ears are a little mismatched.
2) I won the Junior Essay Contest in High School. Thank you very much for your praise.
3) I'm a confirmed Episcopalian. In case you haven't noticed how many U.S. Presidents are Episcopalian-- WE RULE THE ENTIRE WORLD.
4) My favorite subway train is the A when it goes local. Do you know how dangerous that train is? But I'm so cool, I can handle it. I'm as cool as a cucumber, folks.
5) I can tell what season it is by measuring the pressure in my sinus cavity.
6) I can lighten up any conversation with my smile, my bright eyes, and my panache.
***
I was on the train last night, the C train. I was sitting next to an old lady. I broke wind and she got up and moved to the other end of the train. There weren't even any seats, she had to stand.
It wasn't even a noisy one. I think I just shifted in my seat a little. It must have been a stinker.
I've been eating a lot of marshmallows lately.
***
When I worked in a theme restaurant they made this rule where the actors couldn't leave through the customer exit, they had to leave through the employee entrance. I broke this rule all the time.
When someone calls me at work and I don't want to talk to them, I just stare at the phone and watch it ring.
I worked in a theme restaurant for three years as a character actor. I have put that life behind me. I have learned a great many things from that life such as when and where to publicize my website.
***
Manhattan was very nice today. Everyone was well behaved.
Even people who work at theme restaurants. Theme restaurants in midtown.
I saw a midtown theme restaurant of which I may have been employed for three years in the movie "Elf." Through the windows you could see someone reading my website as well as actors being written up for riding the elevator.
***
I was so bored I almost read a manual on how to use Mathematica.
***
Dick Cheney's breath is so bad when he's sitting at the table you don't have to have pepper your food, you just put your plate of spiceless food in front of his face, ask him to breath, and you'll get more spices than Tijuana and Thailand combined.
Dick Cheney's breath is so bad, he eats peppered garlic cloves as breath mints.
Dick Cheney's breath is so bad, everytime he opens his mouth other people say, "excuse me." It's true.
Dick Cheney's breath is so bad, it effects the weather.
Dick Cheney's breath is so bad, whenever he laughs everybody else cries. Tears of pain
***
I like running around the reservoir in Central Park. Sometimes I race people and say mean things about them inside my head to motivate me to be better than them. I wonder if they think mean things about me? I would hope that they would keep some things off-limits such as my sci-fi paperback library, the "sounds" I make when I run--it's a very personal sport in which I expose my weakness audibly, and my mother, she's two miracles short of being a saint.
***
I had a crush on this girl at my bus stop when I was 6. She was a little older, maybe 6 and a half or seven. You know, real sophisticated. I thought she was very pretty and well spoken. My knees would shake when I stood by her waiting for the bus. I remember wanting to go to the bus stop just to see her. She took a plane trip one time and talked to me and the other kids about how she saw the other kids houses as her plane flew over. I asked her if she saw me when the plane flew over. I think she said yes. I can't remember. That was my big move at the age of 6.
posted by Jeremiah Murphy @ 11:18:00 AM
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